Wednesday, August 16, 2017

free-writing

i'm having such a difficult time writing this summer. there are pieces i've started that lay unfinished. i've been feeling purposeless since returning from bangladesh and am still figuring out whether or not i want to stay in new york. i'm starting a new job, part-time at an elected official's office. i'll be more public about it in september, when i start. i'll be working in brooklyn near home with bangladeshis in the district. a part of me feels excited, but overall, i am confused and anxious about working again. i hope that when i'm back in a routine, i feel better to finish the unfinished writing. do you need a routine to feel productive? i am need of structure but am miserably failing right now.

though i'm feeling purposeless in terms of what's next for my career: should i pursue higher education? what makes me feel whole?, this year has been one of personal growth. i went through a friendship breakup, which was the most difficult emotional thing ever because i felt off balance, unworthy, and incapable of making new friends or deepening the ones i have. i was reflective about my needs in friendships alongside thinking about the ways i can be a better friend. i feel good about the breakup and where i'm headed as i build with friends. i'm learning to address those hard to talk about feelings as they come up rather than avoiding them; i'm letting go of my stubbornness and the need to hold more power in friendships by way of punishing friends for tiny issues (at times i'm quick to give silent treatments); and acknowledging that all's not hopeless, that i'm loved and so so capable of loving deeply.

this summer i'm home more (unemployment) and the only one at home with my parents. sabia and sazia live away. i was devastated with the both of them moving out and visiting on a weekend basis. their moving has actually been a blessing in disguise. i have more time for self things, feel more in control of spending time alone, and i value the quiet as well as the chaotic (when they're home). i've also learned to love them individually and look forward to their visits. i don't feel tied to existing as a group of sisters, but it feels good when we get together. 

Friday, August 4, 2017

(gossiping) aunties


(গসিপিং) আন্টিরা—
আমাদের একসঙ্গে, মিলে মিশে থাকা লাগবে
এই পুরুষের দুনিয়ায়।
আমি আপনার বেপারে খারাপ বলব, আপনি আমার বেপারে খারাপ বলবেন,
এইভাবে বদনাম চোরাইলে আমরা
টিকবো না।
কথা বলুন, বলুন কিভাবে স্বাধীন ভাবে চলার ক্ষমতা বাড়ানো যায়।

--
(gossiping) auntyra—
amader ekshonge, mile mishe thaka lagbe
ei purusher duniyai.
ami apnar bepare kharap bolbo, apni amar bepare kharap bolben,
eibhabe bodnam choraile amra tikbo na.
kotha bolun, bolun kibhabe shadhin bhabe cholar khomota barano jai.
--

(weak translation)
(gossiping) aunties—
we've got to support one another
in this man's world.
if i'm gonna talk shit about you and you're gonna talk shit about me,
we will not survive abusing one another.
talk, talk about how we'll (women will) achieve liberation.