Saturday, January 5, 2013

unnecessary ramblings

All that's been on my mind lately is sex. I think about it a lot. More than the physical deed, the concept. Every group conversation with my women turns into a conversation about sex. Not about experiences or how much we want to have it... liberal/semi-conservative Muslim-Bengali women don't admit to such things. More so about the cultural/religious perspectives on when/why or why not women should have sex. And masturbation. 

We're all in our 20's still laughing and giggling at words like 'vagina', 'masturbating', 'sex'. Soon to be 22 (February 5th, accepting all sorts of gifts starting with D ending in O), I realize that I've wasted my years. By not having enough sex. Is it age or the mind-set I'm accustomed to? Maybe it's not too big of a deal. And maybe you're all about to judge my thoughts on sexuality and exploring one's body. I should stop here.

How often do Desi/Muslim women write/speak about sex? How much do you know about your vagina? Reproductive health? Contraceptives? Abortion options? I have family and little kids reading this, so this conversation ends here for now

This post should've been about sex/sexuality within the realm of a Desi/Bengali woman's life. However, I won't deny that even I, a woman who loves to discuss such topics in great analysis with close friends, am too concerned on the reaction/responses to such a discourse on my blog.

In all honesty though, is it me or is there a lack of real men who want to pursue a real relationship? I understand I'm young and I should be runnin' wild havin' lots of good ol' sex and fun, but let's be real for a second... WTF is going on? This semester was... let's just say, an eye-opener to the world of promiscuity. Nothing's wrong with it...but for how long do I just fool around as if it's all good in the hood? You meet a new guy and start talking thinkin' all is well and you're like 'yes, maybe this guy doesn't want sex and hugs from me,' but na chill, that thought lasts for about a minute because the dude is already initiating a sexual conversation or deed. Which is alright when I'm horny and I've got nothing better to do, but one thing for sure, it turns me off. And even if you're physically on me or trying to seduce me, yeah, you're still failing to turn me on. Sometimes I feel, 'whatever, I'll just go with the flow' because even I have a desire to just kiss and hug without strings attached. But na, I ain't about that life. Or am I?

I'm ready for a real commitment and if I'm the equivalent to a piece of ass to you, stay away from me. 

Yeah, I don't know what I want. Single is what I know and how I've been for a good while. But at the same time, I want something more. Maybe I should take a breather. Too analytical to do that. Some white wine will do the job. Shoutouts to my homies who are in steady relationships. I'm jealous of the times that I'm surrounded by these couples who truly care for and want each other. I idolize you people so don't break up! Special love to A&N. You two are amazing individuals, and together you are fuckin' amazing.

I should be graduating in the Spring 2013 semester, but I'm not. A part of me is upset that most of my friends are graduating and moving on to bigger and better things. Another part of me is just tired of going to college and desperately wants to discontinue. And a third part of me is like na, I gotta finish this shit. Dilemmas, dilemmas. In any case, what I'm proud of is my progress, not in academia, but with Lupus. No flare-ups. Hips are chillin' out, walkin' around, doin' their thing. And along with it, the rest of the joints are behaving well. Such pleasures don't come that easily. This semester has been the least stressful of all semesters. And yeah, I took only three shitty classes (except for Women's Health--the best thing that ever happened to me; immediately needs to be a core requirement in Brooklyn College and every other college out there) which makes it obvious that I'd have no stress regardless. But seriously, this was the semester from high school which I missed out on. All throughout high school, I was a loser nerd. I like to think I was cool at times, but now that I look back, I realize, I was a loser who was always buried in books. In any case, I wasn't my loser-self this semester. Studying was not a priority. And it was fuckin' awesome. The men (I attended an all-girls school (LAME) so I didn't really have much exposure to them except for Papo, the school janitor, he was pretty chill), Desi drama, random outbursts of laughter, lots of free food, and just good ol' Desi togetherness. All who made this possible, I will never forget you.

And especially the day we went ice skating. Even though I urged I didn't want to go because I can't ice all wanted me there. I can't ice skate, ever. (New readers: Google Avascular Necrosis, Systemic Lupus Erythematosus). To be situated among people who can do what you'll never be able to do makes me cry. But to feel wanted regardless of disability and having friends who'll sit around with you and watch others fall on their asses on the rink, life doesn't get any better than this.

Resolutions. I'm gonna continue being awesome and keep it real and casual. That's all there is to it.