Saturday, January 26, 2013


Do you ever find yourself cornered by emotions? Or when participating in a deed, your conscience deems it/them as immoral (Mrs. Guilt creeps in) but somehow you feel extremely liberated and even happy? My conscience and I. Separate entities? Why can't I hug freely? Kiss freely? Conscience seems to overrule any decisions I'd like to make against the learned or instilled norms. Maybe I'm naturally this way?

As a woman who engages in conversations about sexuality so freely and leads discourses about men/women having the right to choose what they do with their body, I can't seem to get out of my conservative (parental, religious, societal forces) upbringing about engaging in romantic relationships without a commitment. Which is insane because even committed relationships go awry. Break-ups, make-ups. Somehow, a commitment makes me feel protected and loved.

It's really all a mindfuck because at times I find myself supporting the casual hook-up, friends with benefits, no strings attached, whatever-else-they're-calling-it-these-days type of relationships. And other times when a man gives it to me straight about what he wants, I'm just like, damn what a sleazebag. But wait, that sounds  fun, stress-free, and even doable... we all need some lovin' (even if it's noncommital) ...right? 

I don't want a long-term commitment with a man...yet. At least, that's what I've come to know about myself.  The idea of settling (for one person) scares the shit out of me. My mother was married at 17 (23 years strong). Unfuckingbelievable. Is it because I have a choice at age 22 to remain unmarried that I'm so analytical about and against settling? Or is it because of the times we're living in which very few (up-front) make an effort to actually want you as you and spend time building a relationship? Some of my friends are suggesting that I register on an online dating service because apparently those on it are serious...what is the world coming to?

I can't commit. I don't want a boyfriend, but I want someone or something. This isn't an invitation though. I don't know. Holy shit, I have commitment problems. I have problems.

What drives me even more crazy about myself is when I try seeking commitment from a man who I know is incapable of doing so or clearly doesn't want to. I don't get it. Don't want those who want me. Want those who don't want me. What kind of fuckery is this? 

I don't know what I want. And neither does a friend of mind, but on a totally unrelated subject. He definitely came to the right person for some sane advice because I clearly have a great sense of direction in life and know exactly what I'm doing and want. I don't. However, at a certain point I had it all figured out. I decided that at 18 I'd enter college, engaged to my one true love (never been in love, I'll be clear on this), ridin' dirty with my sexy sports car, married by 22, off to med-school, and other such nonsensical hopes and dreams. Yeah, none of that happened. Not even the sexy sports car. Now, I'm just like, as long as I'm in an educational institution, I don't really have any worries. I'm good to go. He, on the other hand, is graduating next semester and feels life's at a halt.

"I'm just not sure about anything right now. 
I don't know.
I feel like I have no direction at this point. 
I don't have any plans next year.
I don't know what I want to do."

Me: "Take a breath." 

"I have no direction."

My input seems apathetic here but we did have an in-depth conversation about his many options (this friend of mine is a genius--he is the smartest man I know) and while I was trying to help him figure himself out, I couldn't help but worry about myself. And others who come to a point and feel that they just don't know what's next? or what now? Lack of direction? Not knowing or being indecisive is the hardest shit to deal with. I'm optimistic and I believe that through opportunities we all find our niche (someday). We're raised definitively--always having to know the future--setting our mind on a specific path. Planning is all good but let's be real, how often does shit we plan actually work out? Why can't we just let life be? (I guess then we'd just all be poor motherfuckers...) In all seriousness, being at an age where shit's getting real makes me very uncomfortable... as if I have to make a decision right this instant so that by a certain age I have a certain amount of stability. Having Lupus, I don't waste time with goals because life's a goddamn joke. You just don't know what'll happen or where you'll end up next. But it works out. And I'm okay with that.

Directionless isn't the right word to describe not knowing. Indecisiveness is a better word because with a little push, we all know what we want. Might as well take a chance. (YOLO, don't hate me). 

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