Saturday, January 26, 2013

indecisive

Do you ever find yourself cornered by emotions? Or when participating in a deed, your conscience deems it/them as immoral (Mrs. Guilt creeps in) but somehow you feel extremely liberated and even happy? My conscience and I. Separate entities? Why can't I hug freely? Kiss freely? Conscience seems to overrule any decisions I'd like to make against the learned or instilled norms. Maybe I'm naturally this way?

As a woman who engages in conversations about sexuality so freely and leads discourses about men/women having the right to choose what they do with their body, I can't seem to get out of my conservative (parental, religious, societal forces) upbringing about engaging in romantic relationships without a commitment. Which is insane because even committed relationships go awry. Break-ups, make-ups. Somehow, a commitment makes me feel protected and loved.

It's really all a mindfuck because at times I find myself supporting the casual hook-up, friends with benefits, no strings attached, whatever-else-they're-calling-it-these-days type of relationships. And other times when a man gives it to me straight about what he wants, I'm just like, damn what a sleazebag. But wait, that sounds  fun, stress-free, and even doable... we all need some lovin' (even if it's noncommital) ...right? 

I don't want a long-term commitment with a man...yet. At least, that's what I've come to know about myself.  The idea of settling (for one person) scares the shit out of me. My mother was married at 17 (23 years strong). Unfuckingbelievable. Is it because I have a choice at age 22 to remain unmarried that I'm so analytical about and against settling? Or is it because of the times we're living in ...in which very few (up-front) make an effort to actually want you as you and spend time building a relationship? Some of my friends are suggesting that I register on an online dating service because apparently those on it are serious...what is the world coming to?

I can't commit. I don't want a boyfriend, but I want someone or something. This isn't an invitation though. I don't know. Holy shit, I have commitment problems. I have problems.

What drives me even more crazy about myself is when I try seeking commitment from a man who I know is incapable of doing so or clearly doesn't want to. I don't get it. Don't want those who want me. Want those who don't want me. What kind of fuckery is this? 

I don't know what I want. And neither does a friend of mind, but on a totally unrelated subject. He definitely came to the right person for some sane advice because I clearly have a great sense of direction in life and know exactly what I'm doing and want. I don't. However, at a certain point I had it all figured out. I decided that at 18 I'd enter college, engaged to my one true love (never been in love, I'll be clear on this), ridin' dirty with my sexy sports car, married by 22, off to med-school, and other such nonsensical hopes and dreams. Yeah, none of that happened. Not even the sexy sports car. Now, I'm just like, as long as I'm in an educational institution, I don't really have any worries. I'm good to go. He, on the other hand, is graduating next semester and feels life's at a halt.

"I'm just not sure about anything right now. 
I don't know.
I feel like I have no direction at this point. 
I don't have any plans next year.
I don't know what I want to do."

Me: "Take a breath." 

"I have no direction."

My input seems apathetic here but we did have an in-depth conversation about his many options (this friend of mine is a genius--he is the smartest man I know) and while I was trying to help him figure himself out, I couldn't help but worry about myself. And others who come to a point and feel that they just don't know what's next? or what now? Lack of direction? Not knowing or being indecisive is the hardest shit to deal with. I'm optimistic and I believe that through opportunities we all find our niche (someday). We're raised definitively--always having to know the future--setting our mind on a specific path. Planning is all good but let's be real, how often does shit we plan actually work out? Why can't we just let life be? (I guess then we'd just all be poor motherfuckers...) In all seriousness, being at an age where shit's getting real makes me very uncomfortable... as if I have to make a decision right this instant so that by a certain age I have a certain amount of stability. Having Lupus, I don't waste time with goals because life's a goddamn joke. You just don't know what'll happen or where you'll end up next. But it works out. And I'm okay with that.

Directionless isn't the right word to describe not knowing. Indecisiveness is a better word because with a little push, we all know what we want. Might as well take a chance. (YOLO, don't hate me). 

Saturday, January 5, 2013

unnecessary ramblings

All that's been on my mind lately is sex. I think about it a lot. More than the physical deed, the concept. Every group conversation with my women turns into a conversation about sex. Not about experiences or how much we want to have it... liberal/semi-conservative Muslim-Bengali women don't admit to such things. More so about the cultural/religious perspectives on when/why or why not women should have sex. And masturbation. 

We're all in our 20's still laughing and giggling at words like 'vagina', 'masturbating', 'sex'. Soon to be 22 (February 5th, accepting all sorts of gifts starting with D ending in O), I realize that I've wasted my years. By not having enough sex. Is it age or the mind-set I'm accustomed to? Maybe it's not too big of a deal. And maybe you're all about to judge my thoughts on sexuality and exploring one's body. I should stop here.

How often do Desi/Muslim women write/speak about sex? How much do you know about your vagina? Reproductive health? Contraceptives? Abortion options? I have family and little kids reading this, so this conversation ends here for now

This post should've been about sex/sexuality within the realm of a Desi/Bengali woman's life. However, I won't deny that even I, a woman who loves to discuss such topics in great analysis with close friends, am too concerned on the reaction/responses to such a discourse on my blog.

In all honesty though, is it me or is there a lack of real men who want to pursue a real relationship? I understand I'm young and I should be runnin' wild havin' lots of good ol' sex and fun, but let's be real for a second... WTF is going on? This semester was... let's just say, an eye-opener to the world of promiscuity. Nothing's wrong with it...but for how long do I just fool around as if it's all good in the hood? You meet a new guy and start talking thinkin' all is well and you're like 'yes, maybe this guy doesn't want sex and hugs from me,' but na chill, that thought lasts for about a minute because the dude is already initiating a sexual conversation or deed. Which is alright when I'm horny and I've got nothing better to do, but one thing for sure, it turns me off. And even if you're physically on me or trying to seduce me, yeah, you're still failing to turn me on. Sometimes I feel, 'whatever, I'll just go with the flow' because even I have a desire to just kiss and hug without strings attached. But na, I ain't about that life. Or am I?

I'm ready for a real commitment and if I'm the equivalent to a piece of ass to you, stay away from me. 

Yeah, I don't know what I want. Single is what I know and how I've been for a good while. But at the same time, I want something more. Maybe I should take a breather. Too analytical to do that. Some white wine will do the job. Shoutouts to my homies who are in steady relationships. I'm jealous of the times that I'm surrounded by these couples who truly care for and want each other. I idolize you people so don't break up! Special love to A&N. You two are amazing individuals, and together you are fuckin' amazing.

I should be graduating in the Spring 2013 semester, but I'm not. A part of me is upset that most of my friends are graduating and moving on to bigger and better things. Another part of me is just tired of going to college and desperately wants to discontinue. And a third part of me is like na, I gotta finish this shit. Dilemmas, dilemmas. In any case, what I'm proud of is my progress, not in academia, but with Lupus. No flare-ups. Hips are chillin' out, walkin' around, doin' their thing. And along with it, the rest of the joints are behaving well. Such pleasures don't come that easily. This semester has been the least stressful of all semesters. And yeah, I took only three shitty classes (except for Women's Health--the best thing that ever happened to me; immediately needs to be a core requirement in Brooklyn College and every other college out there) which makes it obvious that I'd have no stress regardless. But seriously, this was the semester from high school which I missed out on. All throughout high school, I was a loser nerd. I like to think I was cool at times, but now that I look back, I realize, I was a loser who was always buried in books. In any case, I wasn't my loser-self this semester. Studying was not a priority. And it was fuckin' awesome. The men (I attended an all-girls school (LAME) so I didn't really have much exposure to them except for Papo, the school janitor, he was pretty chill), Desi drama, random outbursts of laughter, lots of free food, and just good ol' Desi togetherness. All who made this possible, I will never forget you.

And especially the day we went ice skating. Even though I urged I didn't want to go because I can't ice skate...you all wanted me there. I can't ice skate, ever. (New readers: Google Avascular Necrosis, Systemic Lupus Erythematosus). To be situated among people who can do what you'll never be able to do makes me cry. But to feel wanted regardless of disability and having friends who'll sit around with you and watch others fall on their asses on the rink, life doesn't get any better than this.

Resolutions. I'm gonna continue being awesome and keep it real and casual. That's all there is to it.