I'll begin this piece with a clarification on my sexuality/mate preference/orientation: I am a straight woman. I date/pursue only men. Furthermore, (hopefully, this doesn't offend you) I comply with the gender norm of only noticing/paying attention to the men who wish to be with me. Thus, this post is most definitely biased. I will be generalizing (about some men). Hopefully the word "some" takes care of this issue. You may get very angry if you identify as a male. Heck, some women might disagree with me too. But I like that.
She washed the entire leg firmly. Not once, but twice. Naked in front of a woman. Eyes shut, until she finally said, "We're done here." Now, before everyone thinks I'm writing the lesbian sequel to 50 Shades, I'll stop. Right hip, officially replaced. Before going into the operating room, I underwent a partial wash-up which included a very lovely woman who sanitized my leg (front and back). And frankly, I couldn't stop giggling for two reasons: 1. I'm very ticklish. 2. With my right side fully exposed in front of a stranger, I was obviously uncomfortable and shy, but amused at how the woman was so chilled out and relaxed while washin' my leg. This is probably the most memorable part of the procedure.
The surgery was successful. And by this I mean, by the fourth week of recovery, I was actively walking without a cane and attending classes. Recap. The surgery took place on July 31st at the Hospital for Special Surgery. Within the first night, I was sitting up and standing in front of the bed. The second day, with the help of a walker, I walked from the bed to the door. That same afternoon, I walked over to the nurse's station. The catheter, a tube inserted into the bladder to drain urine, was also removed. By the evening, I was using the designated hospital bathroom. This was a joy even though the laxatives kept me in the bathroom for hours. On the fourth day, (with the walker) I walked around the entire floor. And by the afternoon, I was back in Brooklyn...home sweet home. Reading the above may leave some of you confused and perhaps apathetic because these pleasures - standing, sitting up, walking those 4-5 steps from the bed to the door - are difficult to appreciate without being incapable.
Though I was excited and prepared prior to the date, on the day of, I was a nervous wreck. Maybe I'll never be able to walk. Maybe the doctors aren't looking out for me. Maybe I'll be in the hospital forever. After waking from surgery, needless to say, I touched my right leg to make sure it was still there. I know, I'm crazy. But to feel...yes, to feel life in my leg was assuring. I knew I'd be fine. I'd be walking again. Six weeks are officially over (the recovery time (healing process) for a hip replacement is about 4-6 weeks)...this explains why I'm walking around all over the place.
If this is the first time you're on my blog site or have missed the post on my left hip replacement, I'll quickly summarize what a hip surgery entails (for an in-depth analysis as to why I underwent my second one and a detailed description of my pre/post-surgical experience, read through old posts). With a full hip replacement surgery, the deteriorated joint (two or more bones make a joint) is removed. The replacement options are metal or plastic parts. Both of my hips are replaced with plastic and ceramic pieces which are preferred for women who are at child-bearing age. After seeing my new hip(s) (the left is two years old now) on the x-ray sheet, my emotions were mixed. I was laughing. Crying. The precision of the surgery. The perfectly healed incision. Amazing. Alhamdulillah.
Now back to the introduction.
The following will strictly be on Desi (specifically Bengali/Pakistani) boys.
I've lost weight -- 45 to be exact. I'm proud of my new body. The weight loss is becoming old news. But what's new is the attention from men. This attention isn't completely new because before Lupus, I was slim/at a 'healthy' or as I like to say, preferable weight (preferable for some Desi guys to pursue me). I had my share of attention from boys/men who would temporarily flirt around or claim to be in "love" with me. And at age 14-15, "love" was an exciting concept. I was easily persuaded by the few who were especially skillful in the art of talking...which of course led to more than one failed relationship. Also during that time, I didn't acknowledge the importance of weight/looks. I didn't think I was wanted or liked because of my looks/body. I used to think Damn, these guys want me because of my personality. Personality, haha! Basically, I thought I was the shit.
After gaining weight, it hit me. Looks determine whether or not I have a good personality or if I'm worthy enough to be pursued. Disagree with me all you want. Not a single man looked at me with want or desire. Not a single guy was checkin' me out or wanting to "get to know me" (via Facebook, school, etc). Maybe these are/were the wrong men to seek a relationship with but not being pursued or thought of as "cute" or "hot" put me in a state of shock. While the guys stopped checkin' me out, the girls didn't think too highly of me either in terms of being in a relationship. I noticed that whenever I'd be with a guy, who, hypothetically speaking, could've been my boyfriend, no one asked if we were dating. However, if I was with a guy and a (normal body weight) girl friend, of course then, some didn't hesitate to ask, "Are they going out?" Like, bitch, is it because I'm fat that even though the guy is my friend, I'm not capable of being his girlfriend? I don't know what it is. A crazy complex of emotions come into play when I'm not acknowledged as a possible girlfriend to a guy friend. It's weird.
Though I was completely furious with men and their selfish nature and began my Fuck men, I'm staying single forever mantra, I secretly wished I'd find 'a man' to prove me wrong. That didn't happen. It's very interesting to me that no matter how autonomous I like to feel without the presence of a man, somehow I wish I had, I'll say it, a fairy tale boyfriend. Cheesy and childish. However, at this very moment, being single is working out quite fabulously. At least I think it is.
How funny it is that since losing the weight, I somehow "seem like a cool person" to get to know. Or I was always "attractive" but he was "too shy" to approach me. Oh, and to hear "it was love at first sight, you might not believe it, but it's true." And the infamous, "listen, those other guys want to use you, but I'm not like them." Hush up. The same old lines...but I won't deny, I'm actually enjoying. Enjoying being able to reject and say Na, chill. Enjoying having a catalogue of men who want me -- intentions don't even matter. The types I attract (Men: please don't think you all fall into one or more of these categories. Women: maybe you've dealt with some of these?) can be categorized into four groups:
1. Consistent, but quick -- These boys are consistent for a calculated 2-3 days in their endeavors to slip into your pants (some are slick to convince you otherwise. Regardless of what they say, they want the vag.). These males will spend their entire day with you if they can. If not, they'll constantly text or Facebook message/chat you. This also includes buying you and your friends lunch/or whatever other meal. And a lot of sweet talking that quickly leads to a one-sided sexual conversation. And the best part, when you don't give in to their dirty tricks, they are nowhere to be found.
2. Consistent for a long period of time, but married/engaged/taken -- I am not a goddamn mistress. Nor a goddamn concubine. You're taken in some shape or form, stick to her (as a loyal partner). And don't bother me when you're single. By the way, is this a trend?
3. Confident -- I seem to be attracted to these. I like my guys to be cool, subtly flirtatious, and make it clear that they are attracted without being crazy obsessed. However, some will lead you on and keep you hanging as their side hoe. You'll be the one they call when it ain't workin' out with his other victims. And you'll probably pick up his call. And he knows you well enough to know that you'll pick up. Basically, you're fucked.
4. And just plain thirsty -- These are the "love at first sight" guys who think they know you without ever getting/wanting to know you. These are the ones who think they know you by looking into your eyes or better, your heart. Really?
Maybe there's some potential if given a chance (highly doubt it and you probably agree), but I can't seem to take any men seriously...which is probably the reason why, even if I flirt around here and there, I'm single and scared to be anything but single.
This post may come across as a plea to search for a suitable man. It's not. I also don't want this post to seem as if I'm craving attention by acknowledging the spring of new but fleeting men in my life. I want to make sense of something that I'll probably never understand. The cycle that's in play here. Because even I know that I'm attracted to very specific men in terms of body type, height, and weight. And I actually won't even try to get to know a man (this is a possible boyfriend/husband--you can ask me how I differentiate between who makes the cut to be a boyfriend and who is a boy friend, but you don't have to) if he doesn't fit the external requirements. This is so harsh and I can't believe I just wrote it.
And who knows, maybe some guy(s) is categorizing me as I conclude.