Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Lupus and Others.

I began this blog site thinking that each post would be about Lupus. But clearly I've overestimated Lupus's effects on my body as most of my posts have nothing to do with it. It comes and goes as it wishes. Almost like some "friends". This is why I know it's bad for me. 

I'll talk about Lupus first. I've changed my insurance policy and along with it all my doctors. The switch was kind of obligatory because I'm over 21 and since diagnosis I've been seen by pediatric specialists. It's hilarious walking into the clinic surrounded by infants and children. Secondly, I didn't feel that I was truly being taken care of, but I won't bash the doctors. Anyways, I'm officially a patient in the Hospital for Special Surgery -- probably the best in New York for rheumatology and orthopedic surgery. I'm excited but at the same time anxious. New changes freak me out especially in the case of doctors because there's a natural and almost invisible tendency to trust them without question. So far though, the blessings have not stopped. God, parents, and friends are always with me. I don't show my sincerity or appreciation enough... but without these three blessings, I'm a nobody. And you are too. Argue/disagree, do your thing.

I decided to write today -- currently 8 am on a Tuesday -- because I'm not feeling well. You're probably questioning my course of actions because instead of resting I'm writing. Writing for this blog is how I relax and let go. Peculiar, but it works.

I went to sleep very early last night - and by early I mean early, 9:30pm!!! But I woke up way too many times and couldn't sleep deeply or comfortably. The pain didn't let me. I'm limping and my legs are hurting. This could mean two things: either something is wrong in the joints/bones -- knees for now (nothing new though, but some days the pain is silent and during others, all up in my face). Or, that I'm stressed and this is the body's way of telling me to have a drink, get a massage, and rest. Or a possible combination of both. With school in full session, I've been quite negligent toward my health... but don't bash me. It's hard to juggle school and disease especially because I'm full-time this semester. Even with this struggle, school is where I surround myself with the positives. Even if I miss a dose of meds, I feel good. Mind over body? I don't know. But there's never a dull day. Chops and Naz, you two are the biggest losers but also the biggest blessings for me this semester. I may be in pain, but the everyday laughs and togetherness (as cheesy as I sound right now) is what keeps me going.

The Trio.
Lupus is sneaky in its appearance. But not as sneaky as some people. I haven't met a lot of horrible people, but the few I've had the displeasure of meeting have made me realize what a pleasure it is to not have them in my life. Maybe I expect too much or think whoever I connect with will be a friend. But some people either don't want it or have other intentions. This shit upsets me, and I know it shouldn't. Don't dishonor what can be a beautiful relationship by being a bitch. If you're looking for a friend, let's talk, let's be there for each other. But if you're looking to fuck around (not necessarily sexual) and be flaky and shady as fuck, keep your distance. This is not what a friendship entails. 

I know everyone's experienced this. Time(s) when you're trying to win over or expect a friend out of someone. But you fail every time.

I wanted you in my life and I'm not sure why or maybe I do and don't want to admit it anymore... and the further away you went from me, the closer I wanted you. Why did I run after what was running away from me? Was I actually blinded? Or was this what I wanted? To pursue the unpersuasive?  

Nothing is ever good for you. I'm sick of being a part of your dirty tricks. Tell me to fuck off, give it to me straight. Yes, you didn't want me, but why did you keep me around? So that you can text or call when your ass is needy and no one else is around but me...and you know my shameless ass will reply or pick up? No, the joke is over. 

All along I've been looking for an answer, but now I know that you actually don't have one. In fact, this is just how you are. I used to be upset trying to figure out what I did or what went wrong with something that started off nice, but it's not me. It's you. So, figure your shit out and don't come back.

I wonder what's worse... Some humans or some diseases?

For others dealing with this, don't deal with it anymore. End it.

Done.

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