Thursday, January 5, 2012

A Very Irrelevant Post.

I love reading lists people compile of random shit that intrigue, bother, inspire them which in turn intrigue, bother, and inspire me. I've been working on such a list - a list of useless (maybe) and relevant thoughts circling my mind. Thoughts that are involuntary and short in words. Thoughts I can't or maybe don't want to expand. For this post, which is very much an experiment, I've written out most of my thoughts prior to publishing in a structured form. Yes, anytime something came up, I wrote it out on paper or the memo application on my phone. And yes, this Winter break is already bland and I have nothing better to do but write out my thoughts. All of this thinking makes me think why some of these thoughts come to mind in the first place... why do we think? What triggers some of our thoughts?

1. Lupus. I'm searching for a rheumatologist. I am no longer fit for the pediatric clinic. I've declined surgery for my right knee. Not sure if this will prove to be good...but I'm doing well. I feel quite powerful and independent making this decision. Love saying NO. Overall, I am doing very well. However, next semester will be a tough one because the cold weather is not so much of a friend. If I ask to hold your hand while walking, going up or down a flight of stairs, stepping out of a car, just comply. Don't worry this isn't an excuse to get freaky with you.

2. Why is it that when I put a beautiful picture of myself...the comments or lack of...are so disappointing? Meanwhile, I'm not going to name names, upload pictures of their repulsive selves and manage to get attractive comments...why? Why though?

3. I don't have a boyfriend. Do I need one or do I not need one? My intolerable attitude toward men is still a mystery to me. 

4. My personal radio show -- Brooklyn College, Spring 2012. No fixed title or theme yet. However, you better be ready for me. This is just the beginning. 

5. I don't want to get married. None of the women in my family are happy. Why? But I do want to get married. And I want a grand proposal.

6. My next post is on bullying.

7. Honestly, the friends who are so damn busy all semester long...like, really? Are you really that busy? 

8. My face is fat. It needs to go!
8A. Crotch fat, why?

9. The Aunties advising me stop my no-rice/carb diet, shut up. 
"What?!? You don't eat rice? It's the best thing ever!!!" -- Yeah, this actually happened.

10. For those who think it's a joke when I greet you with "Yo, wuddup?" Stop. Okay, fine, I try to be funny. And I like it when you laugh.

11. Whenever I befriend a new guy...I wonder how long he'll last -- how long we'll remain friends. And I've noticed, they don't last. Only some.

12. Will I be okay? Will my friends be okay?
12A. How's Kumkum? -- (the middle child aka my sister living in France)

13. My parents are hilarious. I'm pretty sure that's where I get my funnies.

14. Requests from unknown people on Facebook. No mutual friends... not sure why you're trying to add me.
"It's hard to make conversation with a stranger."
--"Oh, really? Make it easy."
"I have no interest, sorry."
--"Think that you know me and ask whatever you want...When you came to this world, your mother and father knew you first and then day by day everyone began to know you. Think like that."
"I just have no interest to pursue a friendship with you."
--"Why I bad person!"
So up until the last line, I've rephrased and grammatically corrected what he was trying to say. Yes, this actually happened.


15. My friends are comedians. God bless them all. 

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

December 31, 2011.

For all who have left me. For all who are with me. For all who I'm with. For all whom I've left. For all. It's a new year.


.divine.delusion.
I saw it.
I’m dead.
Or maybe, I kept thinking to myself, this is Hell.
I called Allah to save me.
Questioning His deceit,
Is this it? This is death isn't it?
You were all against me,
While He stayed.
“Help me!”
“Help me!”
Please!!!
Forcefully.
Screeching. I can’t hear myself.
Fuck. No one can hear me.
Invisible.
Park. Ambulance.
Only I can see.
I screamed louder.
Heart. Trembling.
Breaths so slow. Beats so rapid.
Hands. Shaking.
Surroundings s l  o   w    e     d      .       .        .
“This is how you’re supposed to f e   e    l    .”
“Take me home!”
“I’m sick.”
“But dude, what are you going to do at home?”
“Why are you guys doing this to me?”
Save me from rape.
Text to you.
“If I die, know that I love you.
Sorry, not sure what that means.
Text to mother.
“In trouble.”
“Save me.”
Time discontinued. Paused.
It wasn't me.
Who was it?
The cracks on my limbs healed.
Walking, 
     walking, 
          walking.
...endlessly...ylsseldne...
“Eat something. Let’s get her Cheetos.”
Drowning. Can’t breathe.
…saved by Divinity. 

Starting the new year with a purpose. With God.