Monday, November 14, 2011

The Road to Skinny.

This is my fat post. I don't want your sympathy or approval. You don't need to tell me that I'm beautiful. And before I continue, I'll admit one thing. Writing about weight is not easy. Framing it in a way that doesn't generalize is not easy. This post is about me and my fat.

I can't stand the fat on my body. I can't defend it anymore. It's not about being healthy.

Can you imagine me thin? And when I'm thin can you imagine me fat?

The desire to be thin and thinner. There's not a week that goes by where I don't hear a friend nagging about wanting to lose weight. "Oh, I want to lose 20 pounds." I mean, realistically, it's embarrassing to reply or continue the conversation saying, "Oh, well, I want to lose 100 pounds.(I have close to 100 pounds to lose, maybe I'm exaggerating. Okay, I'm exaggerating.) I usually just stare wondering, with an I-really-really-don't-care smile, "Why does this skinny bitch wanna lose 20?" It really irks me when my skinny friends tell their fat friend, ME, that they want to lose weight. I feel nauseous and embarrassed. For a fatty like me it's a damn struggle to lose a single pound. And what further annoys me is when they tell me about their weight-loss success. Skinny and losing weight??? wtf. So in this weight-loss-conversation-scenario, I respond saying, "Oh yeah, girl! Good luck!" (girl because I've never had an intimate weight conversation with a dude). Regardless of how I judge you when you tell me you want to lose 5, 10, 30 pounds, body-image is a subjective and sensitive issue. When I look at you, I see skinny. But when you look at yourself, you see fat. Or vice versa. It's crazy how body-image works alongside the social construct of which body-type is normal or abnormal in our society. Total mind-fuck.

I'm 5 feet 7 inches tall. 20 years old.


205


186

Now you know how much I weigh. And I already know some people are comparing my number with theirs.

A total loss of 19 pounds in the last 6 months. This is only time I feel good saying, "I'm such a loser!" The numbers don't mean anything except for the fact that 1) my weight is finally out of the 200 range (the number 200 horrifies me) and 2) my weight number is becoming smaller. More importantly though, it's how I look when I'm facing the mirror. I see a change. My jeans are loose...and I've stopped shopping...when I reach my goal though, I'll resume. If my pants drop to the ground when I'm around you, now you know why. Thinner hands and legs. I even see a smaller round-shaped face. The weight loss isn't drastic enough, but 186 is the smallest I've been since my diagnosis (2008) and high school years. It's still difficult to accept my new body because what I see visually is different from what is stored in my mind. I see 2009 (I refrained from taking pictures for a few months because I felt so ugly...and then felt it was necessary to remember what my body suffered and had a photo-shoot. Of course, I would do that.) I am a monster in 2009. I thought I'd always look like 2009. The funny thing is, I was more focused on whether or not I'd ever find true love looking like 2009. Nothing else mattered. And no I haven't found it yet, but I no longer wish to.

2009. Cheesin' it.
I didn't care much about being thin in the past...mostly because I was never attacked about it. Being fat/overweight/obese is more than just being fat/overweight/obese. The reality, in medical and societal terms, is ugly. Uglier than being fat. "You'd look nicer if you lost a few pounds." "You should join a gym." "You're sick because you're overweight." They see fat and they see disease. They see fat and they see ugly. Taunted over and over for being fat. I never understood it...and still don't have an explanation. Why? Why do some people have such an issue with me being overweight? Am I not the same person? I never burst out in anger to explain my fat... because what would be the purpose? Instead, I should've slapped a few bitches.

When I'm fat, I am ugly. No matter what I'm told about the inside mattering more than the outside. We live in a superficial world, and it's going to stay like this. You need to look beautiful. There is nothing positive about being ugly and fat. This makes me sad too.

2009. Wiggin' it.
Where do I go? Do I do something about my fat because of the insults? Or because society is so fixated on thin being beauty? Why lose weight? Of course I want to have good health and live longer, but I really just want to shut everyone up and be thin...for once. All I think about is being thin because it is so much easier. Easier to find clothing that fits. But it's more than just fitting into clothes... it's about fitting in... in every aspect of society and life. The well-being that comes with being thin does not come with being fat.

2010. Eyeglassin' it.
Whether it is for medical, societal, or personal reasons...at the end of the day, losing weight is fabulous when you're me. Better blood circulation, joints are partying, more energy, no diabetes, perfect blood pressure. I still have high cholesterol, but I'm working on that. Healthier and thinner, there's no secret.


1) I don't eat carbs - I pair salad, veggies, fruits, and protein (egg, fish, meat) with just about everything. Rice lovers, you need to stop eating rice. And bread. Pasta. Bury fast-food. I let go during weekends or parties. Everyday is not a party or a weekend. 
2) I drink lime juice twice daily. Lime is an amazing, detoxifying fruit. Almost automatically after drinking, you will find yourself in the loo. No soda, juice. Wine, once in a while, is good. Also alcohol. You can't just deprive yourself!!!
3) Prednisone (killer bastard, worse than most men) dosage has been tapered to 5 mg. Along with healthier eating habits, I am recovering quite well in terms of edema (swelling, water weight from medicine and slow metabolism) and inflammation.
4) Mind control. Get a good grip of yourself and you can accomplish anything and everything.
2011.
The journey isn't over. 

10 comments:

  1. love you <333333 great accomplishment =]

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  2. you go girl! Never seen someone stronger than you, true story! <3 <3

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  3. Yerr!!! I wanna lose close to a hundred too! It doesn't show because my fat is distributed proportionally but omggg its embarrassing when i go to the clinic and ME=2people. last time i went, a dude from brooklyn college was the receptionist and had a to check my weight. wtfff??!?!

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  4. btw, ive noticed it but i ddint want to point it out when i saw you but mashAllah it really shows that you lost a lot already. good luck with the rest inshAllah. i cant wait to get out of this fat body too. u deff motivate me.

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  5. and i burst out one time. i think i got the message across real good.

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  6. Anonymous, you need to tell me who you are!!!

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  7. I love all your posts. I don't mean to sound like a creeper but I've seen you around Brooklyn and all i feel like doing when i see you is going up to you and telling you how much you inspire me (but that's probably not going to happen anytime soon) i've been struggling with weight ever since i was a kid and you really do you positively influence me to try again even though this is probably my millionth time trying to lose weight. Is there any advice that you can share to help me? Thank you in advance :)

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    1. Thank you! I wouldn't shun you if you did decide to come up to me the next time you see me :)

      In terms of advice, motivation is really key. My entire family was eating healthier -- dropped most carbs (all white carbs and even whole wheat stuff, occasionally I ate "Light" bread), candy, and chocolate. I focused on veggies, fruits, and salads. I couldn't exercise due to my joint conditions, so I relied on food, which I feel is easier for women when losing weight. The toning (gym) can come after getting to your desired weight. However, with my condition, one of my meds kept me bloated and made it harder to lose any weight. That medication is now tapered to 2.5 mg and will dropped in a few months. This change also eased the weight loss.

      Thanks for writing to me once again, please let me know if you'd like to know anything else.

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  8. Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. I'm actually bengali and i'm sure you know what type of food is made inside of a Bengali household so it's hard because my family is not willing to change their eating habits, it's just difficult for me to figure out what exactly i should eat. I don't know if it was hard for you to eat vegetables and salads i personally don't like eating either. Is there any way i can make my salads and vegetables a little more bearable to eat? if that even possible lol. What did you include in your salads? and which vegetables did you eat? I'm extremely sorry for asking so many questions i just don't know who to go to for help. Thanks again! :)

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    1. No problem, and I completely understand your concerns. It was easier for me because my father has high blood pressure and cholesterol. My mother has thyroid issues as well as a history of diabetes...My father, youngest sis, and I began to cut out rice and all breads. The salad was simple -- cucumber and lettuce (I don't like tomatoes) -- no dressing/cheese/croutons at home or outside. With this salad I ate whatever my mother cooked -- Bengali foods made with little oil, no to very little salt. My family is huge on green leafy vegetables and fish. I snacked on fruits. I wasn't huge on any of this until it hit me one day and slowly began to lose weight...and from then on remained persistent. Once I saw results, I was motivated even more.

      Any more help, e-mail me. Shahana.hanif@gmail.com

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