Monday, November 14, 2011

The Road to Skinny.

This is my fat post. I don't want your sympathy or approval. You don't need to tell me that I'm beautiful. And before I continue, I'll admit one thing. Writing about weight is not easy. Framing it in a way that doesn't generalize is not easy. This post is about me and my fat.

I can't stand the fat on my body. I can't defend it anymore. It's not about being healthy.

Can you imagine me thin? And when I'm thin can you imagine me fat?

The desire to be thin and thinner. There's not a week that goes by where I don't hear a friend nagging about wanting to lose weight. "Oh, I want to lose 20 pounds." I mean, realistically, it's embarrassing to reply or continue the conversation saying, "Oh, well, I want to lose 100 pounds.(I have close to 100 pounds to lose, maybe I'm exaggerating. Okay, I'm exaggerating.) I usually just stare wondering, with an I-really-really-don't-care smile, "Why does this skinny bitch wanna lose 20?" It really irks me when my skinny friends tell their fat friend, ME, that they want to lose weight. I feel nauseous and embarrassed. For a fatty like me it's a damn struggle to lose a single pound. And what further annoys me is when they tell me about their weight-loss success. Skinny and losing weight??? wtf. So in this weight-loss-conversation-scenario, I respond saying, "Oh yeah, girl! Good luck!" (girl because I've never had an intimate weight conversation with a dude). Regardless of how I judge you when you tell me you want to lose 5, 10, 30 pounds, body-image is a subjective and sensitive issue. When I look at you, I see skinny. But when you look at yourself, you see fat. Or vice versa. It's crazy how body-image works alongside the social construct of which body-type is normal or abnormal in our society. Total mind-fuck.

I'm 5 feet 7 inches tall. 20 years old.



Now you know how much I weigh. And I already know some people are comparing my number with theirs.

A total loss of 19 pounds in the last 6 months. This is only time I feel good saying, "I'm such a loser!" The numbers don't mean anything except for the fact that 1) my weight is finally out of the 200 range (the number 200 horrifies me) and 2) my weight number is becoming smaller. More importantly though, it's how I look when I'm facing the mirror. I see a change. My jeans are loose...and I've stopped shopping...when I reach my goal though, I'll resume. If my pants drop to the ground when I'm around you, now you know why. Thinner hands and legs. I even see a smaller round-shaped face. The weight loss isn't drastic enough, but 186 is the smallest I've been since my diagnosis (2008) and high school years. It's still difficult to accept my new body because what I see visually is different from what is stored in my mind. I see 2009 (I refrained from taking pictures for a few months because I felt so ugly...and then felt it was necessary to remember what my body suffered and had a photo-shoot. Of course, I would do that.) I am a monster in 2009. I thought I'd always look like 2009. The funny thing is, I was more focused on whether or not I'd ever find true love looking like 2009. Nothing else mattered. And no I haven't found it yet, but I no longer wish to.

2009. Cheesin' it.
I didn't care much about being thin in the past...mostly because I was never attacked about it. Being fat/overweight/obese is more than just being fat/overweight/obese. The reality, in medical and societal terms, is ugly. Uglier than being fat. "You'd look nicer if you lost a few pounds." "You should join a gym." "You're sick because you're overweight." They see fat and they see disease. They see fat and they see ugly. Taunted over and over for being fat. I never understood it...and still don't have an explanation. Why? Why do some people have such an issue with me being overweight? Am I not the same person? I never burst out in anger to explain my fat... because what would be the purpose? Instead, I should've slapped a few bitches.

When I'm fat, I am ugly. No matter what I'm told about the inside mattering more than the outside. We live in a superficial world, and it's going to stay like this. You need to look beautiful. There is nothing positive about being ugly and fat. This makes me sad too.

2009. Wiggin' it.
Where do I go? Do I do something about my fat because of the insults? Or because society is so fixated on thin being beauty? Why lose weight? Of course I want to have good health and live longer, but I really just want to shut everyone up and be thin...for once. All I think about is being thin because it is so much easier. Easier to find clothing that fits. But it's more than just fitting into clothes... it's about fitting in... in every aspect of society and life. The well-being that comes with being thin does not come with being fat.

2010. Eyeglassin' it.
Whether it is for medical, societal, or personal the end of the day, losing weight is fabulous when you're me. Better blood circulation, joints are partying, more energy, no diabetes, perfect blood pressure. I still have high cholesterol, but I'm working on that. Healthier and thinner, there's no secret.

1) I don't eat carbs - I pair salad, veggies, fruits, and protein (egg, fish, meat) with just about everything. Rice lovers, you need to stop eating rice. And bread. Pasta. Bury fast-food. I let go during weekends or parties. Everyday is not a party or a weekend. 
2) I drink lime juice twice daily. Lime is an amazing, detoxifying fruit. Almost automatically after drinking, you will find yourself in the loo. No soda, juice. Wine, once in a while, is good. Also alcohol. You can't just deprive yourself!!!
3) Prednisone (killer bastard, worse than most men) dosage has been tapered to 5 mg. Along with healthier eating habits, I am recovering quite well in terms of edema (swelling, water weight from medicine and slow metabolism) and inflammation.
4) Mind control. Get a good grip of yourself and you can accomplish anything and everything.
The journey isn't over.