Monday, January 17, 2011

Release.

I was discharged from the hospital on Wednesday, the 12th of January. Surgery was a success. Now I just have to wait...I don't know if that's 6 weeks or 8 or 12 (of not being able to bear weight on my right leg and the time it will take for the bone graft to completely heal). Some days I prefer crutches, other days the walker, and once in a while I like to be driven everywhere with the wheelchair. And for those of us who have made fun of people using any of these equipments, you better be sorry now. The freedom to walk without being dependent on something is such a great feeling, a privilege. Maybe you've never thought about it, but you should. And be thankful.

I've been waking up cranky and not in the mood. Life seems miserable. Life seems so obscure. Why? I don't know. I'm going through a crazy emotional turmoil. And this is something I can't explain or talk-out with someone. Some of my friends are aware that I feel like shit every minute of the day and while they give me hope that things will get better or I'll have a quick recovery, that's some real bullshit right there. You're not in my place. And I wish you are never in my place.

If there was a quick way to die, I would choose that road. There's no fun in living like a dead person, being a hero or inspiration for what? Whoever made me is really pathetic. Not my parents, they're great. I can manage to live like this for my parents. Helping me at every step of the crutch. Food, shower, making me laugh, everything. It makes me realize that even though I have so many friends, at the end of the day it's my parents who are with at all times. I don't know what will happen when they're not here. My future really scares me.

I chose to write today because I feel like shit. I'm in bed, the dining room or living room...with nothing to do. I'm not in the mood to read. A friend suggested that I learn a new hobby (guitar, knitting). I might take on knitting. If anyone has any other ideas, please feel free to write to me. And if you just feel like writing to me, that would be great too.

I feel a little better now. This was a good release.
Red velvet cake looks real good.


Monday, January 10, 2011

Where's my Grade Professor?

School's out. And the only thing I want is my grade. One class, one grade.

Don't worry this post isn't about class or grades. I just needed a title and something to rant about. And I started writing this post a week ago, so I'm happy to say: I got ma grade bitchesssss! Anyways, let's get serious now.

For me college ended on December 15th. It's January 10th of a new year...and so far, break has been more than crazy good. I've been doing nothing but the usual: fucking around (by this I mean not doing anything on time, waking up around 2-3pm), going places, meeting awkward people, and saying a whole lot of shit. And I swear life is good. However, it is necessary to recollect on some of the more memorable moments because on January 11th I'm undergoing my second major surgery: a core decompression of the right hip. For newcomers and all-time readers, let me remind you what I have aside from Lupus. And if you don't know that I have Lupus...Due to Avascular Necrosis (bone death, poor cirulation of blood to specific bones) and to prevent a complete bone replacement, I will be getting a core decompression of the hip. What this gibberish means is that the bad bone will be drilled out in order to restore blood circulation, relieve pain, and also allow the growth for new bone tissue. How exciting! Recovery is 6-8 weeks and I am forbidden to put pressure on my right leg/hip. I'll be on crutches. I'm also taking the next semester off. And as I'm writing all this, I have a lot of strength. Just a few weeks ago the thought of taking off from school made me cry a whole lot of rivers in Dr. Schwebel's office (director of honors academy, my favorite woman in Brooklyn College).

I'm going to throw out a whole lot of names in the next few paragraphs. Just play along, it ain't like you have to know who each individual is.

Snowstorm of 2010. 12/26/10. I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER FORGET THIS BLIZZARD. Ehan's first birthday was on the 25th (My friend Airen's nephew).
Ehan's First Birthday with my favorite girls.
And after some hardcore partying, Muntaha and I decided to stay over at Juhi's house. If I knew I'd be trapped for the next 3 days, I would've stayed home. The intended first night was great. We pranked people at 4am and acted stupid. And if any of the victims are reading this, we are not sorry for waking you up. We continuously got rejected or nexted on Chatroulette.  It's hard to be Brown and be accepted by all the White people on that site. For those who don't know Chatroulette.com, visit that shit right now! And of course we ate, nonstop. It started snowing on the 26th but we paid very little attention. We even made plans to go watch a movie at the Pavillion. By the evening time, when things got real rough outside I was convinced there would be no way out for me. I stayed another night and we continued our shenanigans. Luckily, I was staying with two girls I like. The 27th was when I tried to be courageous. And that was a fail. Hills, mountains, all white cascaded throughout the neighborhood. I've never seen this much snow in Brooklyn. It was impossible to shovel out the car. I decided to walk home. Complete unprepared: I had no socks, scarf, gloves, no warm clothes, boots/sneakers. You wouldn't either if you were out partying two nights before. So, I wore Juhi's mom's gloves. Her dad's Nike sneakers. Borrowed her grandmother's cane. Wore my night robe inside my jacket. Story of my life. In attempting to walk, Juhi was behind me and Muntaha in front of me for emergency purposes. We made it only 1.5 blocks to Muntaha's house and that's where we relocated the sleepover. The day after, my mother came and rescued me. Though I sound ungrateful and insincere, I am truly thankful to Juhi, Muntaha, and their parents for keeping me in their house and feeding me (not literally, of course). But now I know I would never live with them. I joke!

I had a small get together for New Year's Eve and while it's unnecessary to mention it here, it's very necessary. Family. Friends. Just the good old who didn't risk to go watch the ball drop. Everyone brought their own dish or store-bought product. We danced like crazy bitches. We played charades like dumbasses. And we ate like a bunch of fatasses. My dad also turned 53 on the 1st, so I had his favorite: cheesecake. All my friends sang the "Happy Birthday" song and this man was just all giggly like he was turning 5. It was a good night.
Photo Credit: Fahad Malik. Not everyone is in the picture.
The best man I've ever met. There isn't another man like him. My father.
With the new year comes resolutions...I usually never make any because that shit never, ever works out. Which person who hoped to lose 100 pounds in the new year actually accomplished that? Which person who promised to become a better person actually became a better person? Exactly. But that hasn't stopped any of us to secretly concoct a list. I'm going to get real honest here, right about now. I have a few goals I'd like to reach and this doesn't mean I want to reach them by 2012.

1. Lose weight. This is something I've been struggling with for more than I'd like to. I never talk about it, except with my endocrinologist. It's one of those topics I avoid talking about. This is all I'll say.
2. Soften up my temper. I have a quick temper and I'm stubborn as hell. I call myself a bitch because I know how crazy I get sometimes. And if anyone has suggestions as to how I can control my anger, please write to me.
3. Get off my ass, sometimes. And get serious about writing. I won't lie, I've gotten very lazy every getting sick. There's a lot I can't do, this is true. But sometimes, when I feel I can do something, I just lay around in bed and call my younger sister or mother. This is bad. And this laziness has kept me away from writing new posts for this blog. Also bad.

These are the three major things. No need for details. But now I know that it's written in stone and people are going to read about it...thus, I'm not alone trying to reach these commitments. I have a huge ego, and while I never accept help, (oh that's another one!), I guess I can be humble to accept some help here and there.

Surgery is tomorrow and I'm ready. My mother always tells me there's nothing greater than prayer. Your prayer helps my limbs. Let's rock this!
Photo Credit: Naz Hossain.