Thursday, December 16, 2010

In LOVE.

I've been in love lately and I thought you should know. You're the first to know...

It isn't something new. I've been in love multiple times. I won't say "I thought I was in love in the past" or "Oh that wasn't love" because I actually loved every boy/man I was with. Every love was different and each time a relationship ended in tears, curses, or ignorance...I was able to grasp a better understanding of the qualities I did and did not want in or from a relationship. Past relationships were kinda-sorta fucked up, but love is love and to be in love is so damn lovely.

It's been a little over two years that I've been single now. My ex-boyfriend dumped me while I was in the hospital and that was that. I was that stalker ex-girlfriend who just didn't understand why he would do such a thing. After the break-up, I called him non-stop and even creeped him during work. I never cried for anyone as much as I did for him. I didn't think I could ever love again, I was so fuckin' miserable. I loved him so much that life became unbearable without his presence. Saving dates, candy wrappers, and every other emblem that represented him...this was love. Well, he didn't understand me. However, if you my friend are reading this, just know that I've moved on and you were right, you're not for me and the bigger truth, I'm not for you.

Because he dumped me around the time of diagnosis, I became very self-conscious about myself. I felt ugly and unwanted. And with all the physical changes I went through, I was a complete reck. Guys weren't checking me out like they used to. That was the biggest shock for me. And also the biggest realization.

Now, I won't lie and say, looks don't matter. Looks matter. I know they matter to you. And they matter to me. But obviously, looks aren't everything. I like my men tall and built, with big hands and a nice neck. Don't ask me why hands and neck. So, anyways, all except for one guy fit these characteristics. And if that "one" person is reading this, don't kill me...even though we are neighbors.

Now for the juicy stuff. I've been talking to a man lately. He is a man. A total hunk. Patient, relaxed...caring, honest, trustworthy...makes me feel beautiful...asks if I've taken my medications or not. Understanding, funny, cute laugh...crazy, I'm telling you, words are not enough. He's my jaan. My jaantush. My baby. I feel so good around him. Our initial conversations were...I don't know the word, but I was always nervous and picky about what I said and how I would say it. Loss of words, disarray of thoughts. And for a person who talks a whole lot of shit, when I have nothing to say, I know something is wrong. Especially if it is with a man so cool, calm, and collected...this is attraction. I'm so attracted to him, all I want to do is hug him. And of course the other X-Rated stuff, however I won't go into those details. I feel like jumping around the house. Sometimes I'm so energetic while talking to him, I go up a flight of stairs without thinking about the existing pains.

Over the span of two months, he has become a friend, boyfriend, and soon to be husband. We're thinking too much into the future, but basking in these beautiful thoughts makes me happy and smile. Sometimes we talk for hours and sometimes we bask in each other's silence. And even his silence makes me smile. I'm attached to him, yet I am able to easily detach myself.

He also loves me. And after openly telling him about my life and Lupus, his affection and respect gives me hope. His love gives me hope.

No picture, clear description, or name will be provided. Some things are better left unsaid.

There's more to say, but I'll leave that for my next post.