Saturday, May 29, 2010

Hips Don't Lie, Literally

The past two days have not been well. The day of the 27th, I couldn't get off the bed. Both my hips were killing me. I couldn't walk over to use the bathroom - the bathroom is a few steps away from my room. I no longer sleep in my bedroom - I sleep dowstairs in my parent's bedroom. My legs are no longer mobile. But I had to get my ass up from bed because I had an appointment at Mount Sinai for 3 MRIs (both knees and right right hip) and 1 CT Scan (right hip). The procedures took forever because there were so many patients. You realize how many ill or sick people there are once you enter a hospital. From the outside, it always seems that everyone is living a good life. But it's not true at all. We all suffer. We all suffer pains in different ways. You can never understand my pain and I can never understand your pain. That's how God set it up.

The CT took 5 minutes. The MRIs, each about 20 minutes long, took forever because there were so many patients ahead of me. One lady was so scared to get her MRI done, she was crying and screaming. While I could relate to her pain, she was really getting on my nerves because I wanted to go home. And that day my pains were so severe I was using my crutches. Even with my daily pains, I try not to make use of the mobilized wheelchair or crutches because I hate the feeling of handicap or disability. I hate the stares and especially when everyone is trying to help you like you are incapable of doing shit. And for those who know me, it is rare for me to accept help. I like to get shit done myself, when I can. I mean I am a Diva and I love when people do stuff for me, but when it comes to aid - aid in walking or getting out of the car - I want to be able to do it myself.

The day after, my pains were still there. Dr. Sinha called with the MRI and CT results and gave me a list of bad news, which I knew I would receive. Both my knees are gone and my right hip, which was the good hip a few weeks ago, is now my left hip. He gave me strength though and said we'll just have to take it one step at a time. He knows I can do it. I know I can do it too. I know that I'm destined for more than one major surgery. I could be sad if I want too - and I am some days, some days I just cry because I forget why I need to go through all this. But then I remember, I'm going through this because Allah knows I'm strong, stronger than most. And also, I feel that people (friends, family, strangers) have learned so much about humanity and pain being around me. More of them are patient, and more of them are understanding.

I'm not the only one being tested. Everyone else around me is being tested too.

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