Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Out of the Cage

I went out today after 5 days. Five days caged in my house. The fresh air brushed against my skin, and I thought to myself, I want this feeling forever. I started walking and I couldn't. I paced myself. I called Allah. I held Sazia's arm. It's funny because at home I felt 'okay' to walk around, but upon stepping foot outside, I was in a completely different environment. I wanted to cry. I want to be able to walk. Even if I lose everything in the world, I want to be able to climb up and down stairs and walk across a street. I don't want a wheelchair or cane. I want to walk freely.

In one of my posts, I wrote about dying in 3 months. No one has told me I will die, but that's how I feel. I know it's negative, but, what's the point of living when I'm in so much pain?

But anyways, going back to the leg situation, I probably never mentioned it, but I have diagnosed AVN (AVASCULAR NECROSIS) of the right knee, left hip, and both shoulders. What this means is that my bones are dying - which is causing all the pains, immobility, and negative thoughts.

I had a hard time finding a doctor who would take my insurance to treat my hip and leg. After numerous phone calls, talking to random ass receptionists, hearing "No, he/she does not accept your insurance," I eventually found a doctor. My appointment is on the 7th of April and this meeting will determine a lot for me.

At this point, all I can ask for are prayers. Prayers to continue college. Prayers to walk. Prayers to support my family as the eldest daughter. Prayers.

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