Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Out of the Cage

I went out today after 5 days. Five days caged in my house. The fresh air brushed against my skin, and I thought to myself, I want this feeling forever. I started walking and I couldn't. I paced myself. I called Allah. I held Sazia's arm. It's funny because at home I felt 'okay' to walk around, but upon stepping foot outside, I was in a completely different environment. I wanted to cry. I want to be able to walk. Even if I lose everything in the world, I want to be able to climb up and down stairs and walk across a street. I don't want a wheelchair or cane. I want to walk freely.

In one of my posts, I wrote about dying in 3 months. No one has told me I will die, but that's how I feel. I know it's negative, but, what's the point of living when I'm in so much pain?

But anyways, going back to the leg situation, I probably never mentioned it, but I have diagnosed AVN (AVASCULAR NECROSIS) of the right knee, left hip, and both shoulders. What this means is that my bones are dying - which is causing all the pains, immobility, and negative thoughts.

I had a hard time finding a doctor who would take my insurance to treat my hip and leg. After numerous phone calls, talking to random ass receptionists, hearing "No, he/she does not accept your insurance," I eventually found a doctor. My appointment is on the 7th of April and this meeting will determine a lot for me.

At this point, all I can ask for are prayers. Prayers to continue college. Prayers to walk. Prayers to support my family as the eldest daughter. Prayers.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Newfound Hope

I just received an e-mail from the Brooklyn College Residence Hall Management. I asked them if priority would be given to students with disabilities:

Hi, my name is Shahana Hanif and I'm interested in the dorms. I'd like to know if there is going to be priority given to students with disabilities. My request is personal and if you can give me some information on this matter, I would be grateful.
Thank you.

And this was the response:

Thanks for your interest in the Residence Hall. We will make every effort to accommodate residents with disabilities.
If you would like to discuss this in person, please contact me at the BC Student Center x5842.
-- Again thanks for your interest in the Residence Hall. If you have any questions please visit the link on the Brooklyn College homepage or contact us directly at

This sounds good, but the fight is not over.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Frustration 1

Access-A-Ride. Bullshit. To have "access" to such a "ride," there's a lot of politics involved. I called with desperation, explaining my situation to a random lady who obviously didn't give a shit. I thought with one phone call, my transportation dilemmas would be over. That's not the case at all - there's an interview process.

Anyways, I went to the interview at a Bed-Stuy clinic - Interfaith Medical Center. I took a seat and all I heard were nagging nurses and caretakers. "I'm not staying later than 5pm. Nope, not today. I have things to do. Why are these people coming in so late?" I literally took out my notepad to quote these inconsiderate ladies. I was confused. Maybe if these people, senior citizens and disabled people with walkers and crutches, had access to Access-A-Ride, they would not be late. Our medical professionals. What a shame.

The interview, a process that determines disability and whether or not I am eligible for transportation services, consisted of getting up the stairs of a fake bus and train. I'm pretty sure I passed because I can't climb stairs. Also, we had to walk down the hall of the clinic. It was a painful walk. In any case, I was supposed to get a response in 3 weeks. It's now past 4 weeks and I haven't heard shit.

Lovely Saturday

I woke up this morning feeling pain. Pain that words cannot describe. I don't know what sleep is anymore because all I feel throughout the night is pain. After taking 2 pills of Oxycodone, a very strong pain medication, I was out. Dizzy, drowsy, and just out for about 5 hours. I actually thought the pain would be gone, but it wasn't. I was still limping.

Pain. The story of my life.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Searching for my Saathiya.

I want sex. Blunt? I don't give a shit.

I'm still contemplating on whether or not I should post a summary of Lupus. But before I do that...let's talk about what's on my mind now...

A new day, a painful day. But what's new? I want to love. I feel the need to have a boyfriend. I want a man to care for me. Hold my hands. Look into my eyes. And hug me forever. I don't think I'll ever have that.

I probably have 3 months to live. I'm crippled. Who wants to love a crippled person? I can't run, jog, walk normally, sit or stand without feeling pain...these pains are beginning to define who I am.

I don't want that. I want to be happy. But, I am happy. I have the greatest friends. But I want romance, I want love. True love from a man.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

What's a blog?

I've finally created a blog.
This blog serves many purposes.
I want to educate, expose, and enjoy.

1. Everything I write is meaningful - for real.
2. Most of the pieces will revolve, obviously, around Lupus.
3. I may curse a lot, but to bring humor, not to offend anyone.
4. I'm emotional and frustrated with many "institutions", so feel free to share your anger/sadness with me.
5. Spread the loveeeeeeeeee.